Newborn

How long does it take to set one's mind at rest.
How long does it take to set one's heart on fire.
And how long will it take me to act,
to do, on what I have now learned.

Is it my upbringing?
Is it the dust in the air?
Is it the foggy, humid nights,
which still keep my grasp tight on the basic rules,
unwritten laws,
of the society I am surrounded with.

Do I really need it?
Do I really need her?
Do I really need you,
and the ones around?

I do not know anymore,
or rather I am realizing the opposite,
the unthinkable.

****************************************************

Waking up,
slowly,
breath by breath,
movement by movement.

Recieving the new sounds,
seeing the new world,
for the first time,
it feels as if I am aware,
in a new birth.

And very much like a newborn,
I shed the first tears,
to open my lungs for this new air,
this new reality.

And very much like a newborn,
I do not know where it will lead,
I do not know who I will meet,
and how I will grow.

I will simply do what newborns and children do,
I will simply trust my own guardian,
my own parent,
hoping that good care is taken,
of this little child
who is still and probably will always be,
unable to grow up on his own.

****************************************************

Years and years, some people spend,
without feeling the pain which was cruel earlier in their lives.

Years and years roll by,
slowly burying a memory,an instance,
or a period,
in which now it seems to be very remote,
very far.

Yet nonetheless,
sometimes,
even though it is well hidden,
well taken care of,
sometimes it does make itself heard again,
or felt again.

Sometimes it just makes sure that we never forget it,
Sometimes it just makes sure that it will always be there,
haunting us,
putting our guards up,
and putting our attention down,
from what really matters.

Moonloop Message I

Often,
A moment,
a snapshot of time,
makes all the pain bearable.

Often,
A moment,
a fitting distraction,
makes you forget about everything.

Holding my chin,
elbows resting on my right knee,
I say to myself,
that the end result is what matters.

Staring at nothing,
looking at the artificial patterns in the sea below,
I wonder,
why am I still here,
what am I doing to make the air I breathe worthwhile?

***************************************************

In the middle of an unfamiliar city,
I stood content,
happy,
not thinking about the trip back,
not bothered by the passing seconds,

Staring at her,
lying next to me,
I couldn't not remember the road I was in a year before,
I couldn't not remember the posts I wrote in this blog,
And indeed,
I felt as if everything which took place along the way,
was indeed worth it.

The days seemed endless,
and the nights were always young.
The drinks were sweet,
The cigarettes seemed harmless,
kind, enjoyable,
as if I were smoking for the first time.

Altering my mood was no longer necessary,
and again after a long while,
athe smoke was soothing once again.

None of this would have happened however,
if deep down I did not know,
that this was not a remote occurence,
which took place by sheer luck.

I allowed it to happen,
cause I thought,
I believed,
this was the start,
of a long way,
of a new start,
the very same start which witheld the end.

*******************************************

And here I am dear me,
Here I return,
typing the same messages again,
hoping that maybe someone,
out there might get the meaning through.

And here I am,
living something which I wanted to avoid,
day after day,
just listening to my personal gospel,
lost somewhere between reality and dreamscape,
throwing every minute away,
living a disillusion,
the greatest disillusion of all.
The disillusion of living the normal life,
the mainstream life.
The disillusion that dreams are only there to be dreamt of,
and not be lived.