Free Fall

Eyes well closed,
listening to nothing except to the same song,
over and over again.

Listening,
so no distractions can consume me anymore.

Listening,
so I will stand firm,
and get this over with.

The black soil is far enough now,
The decision has now found itself in the past.

The hour has struck,
it has toke place anyway,
no matter what others say,
I just cannot wait any longer.

******************************************

The door bell rang,
made my heart skip a beat.

"Wait a second", I replied.
Yes, she can wait for a few more days,
maybe a few more weeks,
or even months.

Maybe,
she will go and visit someone else
and leave me in peace.

Maybe,
she will understand that between us is over now,
and remember that what took place four years ago,
was way too much for me to handle.

*********************************************

I am still here,
waiting.

Waiting for a message,
for a phone call,
or maybe for a car to stop by and ask me the question which I always dreaded.

"How are you doing?" asked me Peter the other day.
"I am just fine thank you", was my prompt reply.
Why do people ask obvious questions is something which I never really got.
But these questions are still being asked.

Would you tell an aquaintance how yo really feel?
Would you tell a best friend what is really on your mind?
Would you tell your partner what is going on inside your heart?
Would you,
Would you give an honest reply when you know that your answer would expose a weakness,
maybe an imaginary weakness,
but still it is there,
in your head,
going round and round,
clouding anything,
anyone you see,
every minute,
every day?

******************************************************

The door bell rang again a few weeks afterwards,
and even though I was somehow expecting it,
it still gave me that shock.

"Okay, the party is over" I said.
I told the guests that it is now to go somewhere else,
since for the coming weeks,
possibly months,
I would be busy.

I switched off the lights,
and everyone disappeared,
leaving nothing behind,
except silence,
and mellow emptiness.

Regretfully I opened the door,
and there she was,
hated, yet so beautiful.
Dark, yet so fair.

She smiled at me.
"It's been a long time", she said.
Indeed it was,
for me it was.
I felt as if everything that took place in the last years was being shown on a projector,
in a fast forward mode,
repeatedly.

"Yes dear it has been a while, I missed you,
but not what you are back, I just miss what I took for granted",
I said.

**************************************************************

It only took a few seconds to carry the task out.
It was not that bad.

I have to admit,
in those few seconds
all the bright colours which lit every corner of my life were again there,
flashing vividly.
And the only question one would ask in such a moment would be,
Why are they back now, right now?

Too late,
simply too late.

But it has been good until it lasted.

***************************************************

And there we sat again,
around the same striped table,
drinking the same black coffee,
taking the same white meds.

And there we go again,
waiting until she gets fed up and leave,
only to come back again later.

I reluctantly checked the time,
and took note when she came.

Checking the time again,
hoping that she would leave this place soon,
leaving room for the faster minutes to come and celebrate again.